I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize