The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
i'm forgoing the post-coitus cuddling sesh to ask u this :when he says he loves me and all i can think to say is either "cool" or "i love boning you," what do i do?
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
Randomize
