she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
is it bad if I use the term bowl as a measurement of time, as in how long it takes to smoke a bowl?
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
Randomize
