You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Randomize
