First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
