The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
