I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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