He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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