I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
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