It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
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