I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
i've created a new STD.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Randomize
