two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
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