im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
