there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
