I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
