your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
Randomize