did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
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