So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Randomize
