oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Randomize
