I just cut my nipple shaving
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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