i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
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