Dub. In the bra. Dub in the bra.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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