Me. At least after what I've been through.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
