Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Randomize
