Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
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