It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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