I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
Who wears a wallet chain?!
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
