What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
We have started to decorate penises.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
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