Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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