we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
