Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
Randomize