i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
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