My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
