i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
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