I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Life without a bra equals bliss.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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