Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
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