Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
I just gift wrapped bread.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
