i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
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