I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
then he tried to convert me to islam
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Randomize
