please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
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