i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
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