Have fun with your cool freestyling girlfriend!
She can rap better than you any day
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
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