I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Randomize