My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Randomize
