...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
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