I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
