I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Randomize
