Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
I will pee on everything he values.
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
