Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
This house was built for laser tag.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Randomize
