they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
high people should be assigned attendants
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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