She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
