I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Randomize
