can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
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