the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
Yeah, it wasn't as bad as I thought. I tried not to clench and things went pretty smoothly.
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
Randomize
