this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize