I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
