she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
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