I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
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