watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
And the cops told us we were all naked.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Randomize
