Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
