Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
So my graduate coordinator is possible gay man. I may have just found the easiest way to a degree ever.
Good plan b, put your number on all your forms. Hello gamefull employment.
Take that integrity
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Randomize
