It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
operation have a gay friend backfired
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
