So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
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